The best friends are stuffed friends.

      Despite having a neighborhood full of kids to play with I still had imaginary friends, and not just one or two I actually commanded an imaginary army, uniforms and all. I never told anyone about this when I was a kid, not even my mom. People already thought I was a little too imaginative for my own good, so I kept a lot to myself. Other than my own personal killing force of hot girls and super human boys (yes, my army was "co-ed" I was very progressive even then), like most kids I also had a favorite stuffed animal; a bean-bag frog named Frederick, yes Fred the frog, not quite as original I know.
      I always held onto the memory of the comfort Fred would bring when I climbed into bed, especially after a bad day. Having a special friend that was only yours to comfort you, to cry on, or to hug your frustrations out with seemed like an important thing for a child to have so I always wanted to make sure my kids had one too.
      After you have a child there is no shortage of stuffed animals, you always pick out something you think your child will like and six dozen friends and relatives do the same. Your child's room quickly goes from a cute scattering of fluffy friends to a scene from a creepy horror movie where every time you enter the room you can feel hundreds of beady eyes on you waiting to rip off your limbs and use you as a throw rug...or maybe that's just me.
      In any case my boys always had more than enough stuffed animals to choose from and with rooms full of dust collecting fuzzballs wouldn't you know that both of them chose to befriend "furries" that belonged to someone else.
      When our oldest arrived we took great care in picking out some of the coolest and cutest stuffed animals we could find, and they accumulated, multiplied and collected dust as he got older. Mom in fact, took great pride in picking out what she thought was the perfect companion for our little "Monster", a big soft adorable dinosaur, but he wasn't interested.
       Now you need to know Mom herself was no stranger to the love of a good stuffed animal, and she still has possession of her childhood friend, a bear named Cindy. I can tell you Cindy was well loved, I some times pity the poor bear and swear I can hear it begging me to put it out of it's misery. Cindy more resembles Frankenbear than Teddy bear. Cindy has had more surgery than Joan Rivers and looks almost as bad. She is missing both eyes, has had her leg sown back on backwards and her poor squished face has been sown back on...I'm referring to the bear not Joan Rivers.
       Despite our combined knowledge of stuffed friends we failed to find the proper companion for our oldest, he on the other hand new what he wanted. One day he wandered into the pantry and found a bag of stuffed animals that was not his, grabbed a hold of a spotted leg and never let go again. He had picked what was to be his childhood companion, a stuffed dalmatian dog named Sprinkles.
      Our little monster took this dog everywhere for more years than I can count, Sprinkles became his best friend, his partner and his towel. We immediately noticed an unsettling similarity between them and Calvin and Hobbes, but psychological examinations proved our child was mostly normal....mostly.
      This relationship was a happy one that lasted through many repairs and washings, but despite our best attempts the black and white Sprinkles to this day has become very gray. Our oldest no longer carries Sprinkles everywhere he goes but he does sit prominently in his room.
      When our younger son came along we thought about our mistakes trying to find a friend for our oldest and bought a couple stuffed dogs and tigers to go along the bears and ducks and dinosaurs, again no luck. We thought for sure this amazingly soft German shepherd would be the one, but no luck.
       One day our little monkey boy wanders into our bedroom grabs a stuffed penguin of mine that was a gift from my wife ( I like penguins ok, and wolves and otters if your truly interested.) and proceeds to walk out of the bedroom hugging it...I never got it back.
      Like our oldest son's dalmatian "Ping" the penguin went EVERYWHERE with him for years, when we went to soccer games it was the stuffed penguin all the other regulars and even the players remembered and commented on. Cashiers and waitresses alike remembered us through Ping the Penguin just as they had Sprinkles the dog before him.
      One day out of no where I looked down and noticed my son didn't have Ping with him he had the amazingly soft German shepherd in his arms. "Where's Ping?" I asked, "He's home", and then he explained that "Shep" was softer. Apparently my son had loved all the soft off of Ping the penguin. For another couple years it was Shep that went everywhere with my son and everywhere we went people wanted to know where Ping was. That's right friends, acquaintances and strangers alike were asking about my son's stuffed penguin. Ping never really went anywhere as my son still cherishes him and never removed him from his place of honor on his bed.
       In case your wondering my wife did eventually replace my penguin with a new one, which I keep on a much higher shelf than before...just in case.

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Summertime Where the living is...HELL

      I know I may be in the minority when I say this but, I am so glad summer is on it's way out. Every year that passes I hate summer more and I am more giddy at the thought of September's arrival. I am completely mystified by leather-skinned sun worshipers and their summer loving kin.
      Let's start with the obvious; the heat. Nothing is more miserable than struggling through months of oppressive heat and humidity. For me oppressive heat starts when it gets above 70 degrees, and by the time it's in the high nineties every living creature within a hundred yard radius of me are in immediate danger of me turning into Tony Montana, bad Cuban accent and all.
      One of the retorts I've heard to my complaints about summer is "...But Paul, all these hot woman are running around in skimpy outfits." Yeah and...that's great and all, but the last thing I am thinking about when it's 95 degrees is sex in any form. I'm sorry but putting another 98 degree body against my own while small furry animals are bursting into flame around me is not appealing. Add physical exertion, friction and sweat and there's a good chance that someone will die horribly. When It's hot I don't want to be touched, I don't want to spoon, I don't want to cuddle on the couch I don't want to even see another human.
      Oh and hey all you who are defending summer and yelling at me to just get an air conditioner...shut up! You're telling me how much you love summer but you deal with it by creating artificial 65 degree environment, think about it.
      Work sucks during the summer because for 3 months half your work force is on vacation at any given time and those left behind are asked to pick up the slack while they're away, then when they come back you have to look at their stupid vacation photos and listen to their stories...We don't care!
       Then it gets to be your turn to go on vacation...Yeah! do you know what the best and most relaxing part of a vacation is? Getting home. Seriously Strange beds, hours in a car or a plane, airports, gas stations restaurants, schedules, itineraries, luggage, hotels, weird strangers packed into tourist traps, unfamiliar roads and traffic issues, sand in your underwear and god forbid you have kids to take, ARGH! it's terrible.
      How about road work? Nothing beats sitting in a sweltering car with the sun beating down on you when you're running late and the kids are complaining. Meanwhile dirty guys in orange vests are standing 6 inches from your car smelling like wet garbage making you wait while the equally wonderful smells of hot tar and diesel fuel add to the joy.
      During the summer crime rates soar and so does the number of assholes. Have you ever been woke up at 3 AM from some inconsiderate jackass blasting his car stereo or unsupervised teenagers running the streets so bad parents don't have to deal with them. How about putting up with loud obnoxious parties with losers who can't handle their booze, have lousy taste in music and who think it's ok to scream obscenities at the top of their lungs.
      Once summer ends sports gets good. Finally football is back, college and pro, followed by hockey and basketball. After having to put up with boring, slow baseball all summer we get real sports again, and even baseball finally gets a little interesting when it finally gets to the playoffs. Thank god football is back.
      After watching reruns and fill in shows all summer, the fall finally brings back real TV. I know nobody out there watches TV you're all marathon running, orchestra conducting, classics reading, Frasier wannabe's right? I call bullcrap. I like to wind down at night to some good TV and the fact that U.S. homes average more than two TV's says so do you.
      If you're a gamer you know the summer is a long dry spell of nothing, and as soon as fall hits so do all the great games. If you want to run to the video store and grab a new DVD your out of luck since nothing comes out but straight to video garbage. For me I used to love the summer blockbuster movie season but in the last few years even that has become a giant garbage heap where you're very lucky to find one or two things worth spending $15 a ticket for.
     For me "The good life" begins begins in September. I can spend the weekends with friends and family drinking a few beers comfortably watching a good game. I can drink milk again. I can smile at the return of my favorite shows or play a new game without worrying about my console or computer overheating or me sticking to a chair. I can rent a movie from the newly stocked shelves or I can just pull up a blanket and get comfortable in my chair with a good book and a coffee, tea or hot chocolate, and best of all I can joyfully cuddle with my wife without feeling like I'm trying to make Sarcastic Dad soup. But beyond it all, the greatest thing in the world about the end of summer is the fact that my kids go back to school.
     

    

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Instruction Set #3: Doing the dishes

      Continuing the series of instructions for my children, and the proper way to carry out chores and responsibilities, today we discuss doing the dishes. This is long overdue since the right way to do dishes is a never ending point of contention in our house.

1) YES!, the dishes do need to be done every night. If we cooked, ate or used dishes and cookware for anything, they need to be washed, and stop looking so shocked every time I tell you that.

2) When you put away the dry dishes you should actually put them away. Leaving them on the table the stove or any other convenient surface is NOT put away.

3) Use HOT water. We bought you those pretty pink rubber gloves so your delicate skin is protected, now turn the hot water up and kill some germs. Your arguments that if you just use cold water you can freeze the germs or that the germs will get fed up and move to Florida are not legit, give it up.

4) When cleaning dishes it is mandatory that ALL the food is removed from each piece. There is no acceptable amount of meat, sauce, or cheese that can be left on the "clean" dish. No, we are not saving it for later, No, it is not close enough. Just no.

5) Finish the job. Do not walk away with a half dozen things left in the sink then say "But..the dish strainer is full." How about you grab a towel, dry a few things and just finish the job. I swear the extra five minutes to finish the job will not leave you too exhausted to text.
     A) On a side note how the hell are you texting while doing the dishes anyway?
     B) Can you just refill the damn ice cube tray please?

6) The dirty pan on the stove or the plate your lazy brother left on the kitchen table, do you see them? Yes you do, stop pretending you don't. They are dirty dishes and need to be washed. Hiding pots and pans inside the stove then saying you didn't know they were there is also not a good idea, but nice try.

7) Clean up. When you are done doing the dishes do not leave stray food sitting in the sink, do not try to stuff it down the drain, clean it out. Wipe off the sink, and if while doing the dishes you managed to flood the kitchen clean it up, the fact that your baby brother has turned the kitchen into an indoor slip and slide is a clue that you made a mess. Besides, last time he bumped his head on the refrigerator, and seriously that boy can't take anymore brain damage.

8) A dishwasher is NOT a necessity that's why we had kids. An XBox, a 42" LCD HD TV, and the NFL package THOSE are necessities. Get your priorities straight.

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An open letter from America's television executives.

Dear TV viewer:       With the new fall television schedule quickly approaching, we the television networks and executives would like to take this time to thank you. We would like to thank you not only for your viewership but for your choices as well.
      America's desire to watch reality TV is saving us millions of dollars so thank you. Why pay talented writers and story tellers who have spent their entire lives perfecting their craft and wanting nothing more than to weave an intricate plot line, make you think or even make you laugh when you can watch a bunch of talentless amateur "singers" beg Simon the twit for a chance to embarrass themselves. I mean seriously you people are still watching American Idol? Even we figured you'd be bored with this repetitive snooze fest by now or pissed off when we started fabricating and orchestrating contestants, but no! You still watch this crap on a stale cracker.Wow! Joss Whedon may be a genius writer but his shows are very expensive so thanks for giving us a reason to cancel them all while you watch this garbage.
      The funniest shows on television may be Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother and Better Off Ted, but why watch those when when you can watch pseudo celebs and washed up athletes dance badly,ooooh now that's intriguing TV. Of course you didn't watch Better Off Ted so we got to cancel that, Phew thanks we were about to have to pay for a third season of what was easily one of the funniest shows we had ever seen.
      We have been able to cancel dozens of great but expensive shows thanks to your limited attention spans and low IQ's. We saved millions canceling great shows like Firefly, Flash Forward and Wonderfalls. As TV execs we hate Sci-fi and action shows, do you have any idea how much they cost to make?
       Also on the money front is actors. Did you guys know that we have to pay them? it's ridiculous why should we pay amazing actors like Nathan Fillion, Eliza Dushku, and Neil Patrick Harris when we can throw a bimbo into a room with 20 horny guys and watch as she whores herself out because she's so desperate for a husband that selling her self-respect is not an issue. Or we can just toss a bunch semi-retarded gym rats looking for 15 minutes of fame and a quick payday together and watch the worst of humanity play out, and you idiots...I mean loyal viewers will eat it up.
      We'd like to send a special thank you out to viewers of Jersey Shore so here we go...HAHAH just kidding we know Jersey Shore viewers can't read.
      The great thing is that even when we do have to make a "real" TV show we can just rip off a show that already exists and make yet another copy of it and you as TV viewers will be completely satisfied since you won't have to be challenged by trying anything new, because we know that's scary. In fact in the works we have an all CSI network where every state gets it's own show. Also we have Law and Order 47, The Generic Bad Detective Show, Yet another JAG rip off, and of course more crappy Xeroxed hospital soap operas than you can shake a stick at.
      We've gotten so good at reality shows that we're even making a fake reality show called My Generation this season but we figure none of you are smart enough to figure it out, so make sure you watch that instead of great new shows like No Ordinary Family, The Event or The Chase. Those shows have talented writers, actors and a cool premise but since they will cost a fortune we want them canceled so we can start the new reality show called "Dance Your Fat Ass Off: Idiots will watch".
        So thanks America for being satisfied by every piece of laughable crap we throw out there. Thanks for thinking that talentless morons with no self-respect, whoring themselves out for a chance to be on television is interesting enough to garner your precious time. Thanks for not wanting to have to think, we understand that following a story, character or plot is too much effort for your soggy brains and we can respect that. Thanks for not making us spend money on great shows with talented writers and actors, all that money we save means our year end bonuses are huge.
        In conclusion remember, whatever you do don't watch the best shows on television like Castle, Big Bang Theory, and Fringe (yeah, that ones scary huh? It has sci-fi elements. it must go). Whatever you do DON'T watch this seasons best new shows like No Ordinary Family or The Chase because if you watch these great new action shows it will cost us a fortune to keep making them. Just stay in your comfort zone, don't try anything new, don't challenge yourself in the least and whatever you do don't give any credit to the people with talent.
Thank You America
From all the unscrupulous, greedy execs.
          

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